Feeling awful.

About my body. I’m back in a place where going in the fitting rooms and looking in the mirror and trying on clothes is literally heartbreaking and I can’t believe I’ve gained this much weight. And the fact that my boyfriend notices makes me feel even worse. Not that it’s about what he thinks/feels (because I know it doesn’t MATTER to him, but he’s still honest about it). This is about how I feel and what I see. It’s not good. People keep saying that I look great and they can’t tell I’ve gained, but I know they’re just being kind. And the boy says he wouldn’t be able to tell if he didn’t see me naked. Which….just further makes me want to never be naked. Guh. I’m not where I was last summer, and I haven’t gotten better. Now I’m in a place where I just wish I could get back to where I was. Makes me regret not being happy with my progress then. 

My eating habits have just gone back to being so bad, and even though I eat clean a lot of the time, the times that I don’t are too bad to make me progress at all. And the drinking….fuck I know that doesn’t help at all and is probably my main setback.

I don’t know what to do. Because I can’t bring myself back to the mindset I was in at one point. Even with how unhappy I’ve become, I can’t drag myself out of this hole.