I just want this week to be over so badly.

I need stuff to occupy my time so that it doesn’t seem like it’s going by so slowly because when I’m alone I’m just sad and feel useless and get really down on myself. 

And then I just want to text my boyfriend who I know already thinks I’m a psycho because he’s the only one I go to with my crazy thoughts of inadequacy and no guy wants to hear about a girl who isn’t confident but I feel like I’ve already ruined that. 

I used to be so good at being happy. Faking it even though I didn’t feel it. And people liked me.

I don’t know what the fuck happened to me. I’m not the person people feel like they can come to anymore, anytime, with anything. I feel like I put people off a lot.

I don’t know if it’s the drugs, or the shitty things I’ve done, or the shitty people I knew, or what.

I ruined myself over the last few years and I feel so low sometimes about not being good enough that I don’t know where to direct the sadness.

  

Honesty.

The hardest part of this journey for me is realizing what I’m capable of, and what may never happen for me. 

I’m not in great shape, so when I work out, I run out of breath quickly, I sweat easily, and I’m very awkward with my body. I never learned how to breathe properly so I find myself holding my breathe sometimes, and it makes my workouts a million times more difficult. The majority of my weight loss has been from diet. And walking, a lot, because that was easy. 

But now that I’ve lost almost all the weight I wanted to lose, I’m still so very unhappy.

It’s my stomach that bothers me the most. It’s what I spend hours looking at in the mirror, pulling and stretching saying “if it would just be like this….”. But, who knows if it will EVER be where I want it.

I feel like such a defeatist when I say that though, I feel as though I’m making excuses and like I’m failing to do all that is possible in order to get that “Bikini stomach”. I’ve lost 133 goddamn pounds, but my stomach will always make me cringe. I’m so ridiculously envious of the females who start at 250, lose over a hundred pounds, and end up with a flat stomach.

My stretch marks, loose saggy skin, and the little fat roll, will haunt me forever.

I just don’t know what to do to make it better. I’ve contemplated p90x, contemplated some kind of workout plan, because I don’t feel like I can get to where I want on my own, but I don’t have the money to put in to that to have it not work out, or to have me fail. I know that sitting at my computer complaining about it won’t get me there, but it drives me crazy that after how hard I’ve worked, I still don’t feel comfortable wearing tight things on my belly pooch, or wearing a bikini, or letting my boyfriend touch my stomach. 

I just want to feel okay.