Thoughts.

I have this horrible fear that won’t go away. 


That people look at me and think, ‘wow, you’ve lost 130+ pounds….how do you still look bad?’

because I didn’t lose weight and become pretty. because I didn’t lose weight and get the body that everyone expects they’ll get when they lose weight. because I didn’t work hard enough. because I DON’T work hard enough. 

I still look at girls everyday and wonder why in the world my boyfriend settled for me when he could do SO MUCH better. When I know he really WANTS so much better.

I’m not proud of me, and I wonder all the time why anyone else would be. Especially now that the changes have halted. Now that I seem to be stuck with no chance of going any further.

I hate this. I don’t want to be negative. I WANT to be happy and proud and make people see that I AM beautiful no matter what size, no matter what shape, and that I don’t have to look like anyone else to be beautiful, but I don’t believe it myself. And I don’t know when I stopped believing that. I don’t know when I started thinking that I wouldn’t be beautiful until I had a flat stomach and perfect breasts and everything else that I don’t have. I want to feel okay. And I’m sorry that I don’t. 

I never realized how big of a difference support makes.

On my weight loss journey, I didn’t have many people I could talk to. 

I felt uncomfortable telling my closest friends about my progress, for fear of looking like a braggart, or for fear of upsetting them.

I never realized, until now, how motivating it is to have people actually be PROUD of accomplishments, and how much it makes me want to keep going, keep making people, and most of all, myself, proud.

Don’t ever be afraid to share your story. Be it success, failure, or anything. You never know who might relate. And there are TONS of people out there who are willing to lift you up. 

:)