Thoughts.

I have this horrible fear that won’t go away. 


That people look at me and think, ‘wow, you’ve lost 130+ pounds….how do you still look bad?’

because I didn’t lose weight and become pretty. because I didn’t lose weight and get the body that everyone expects they’ll get when they lose weight. because I didn’t work hard enough. because I DON’T work hard enough. 

I still look at girls everyday and wonder why in the world my boyfriend settled for me when he could do SO MUCH better. When I know he really WANTS so much better.

I’m not proud of me, and I wonder all the time why anyone else would be. Especially now that the changes have halted. Now that I seem to be stuck with no chance of going any further.

I hate this. I don’t want to be negative. I WANT to be happy and proud and make people see that I AM beautiful no matter what size, no matter what shape, and that I don’t have to look like anyone else to be beautiful, but I don’t believe it myself. And I don’t know when I stopped believing that. I don’t know when I started thinking that I wouldn’t be beautiful until I had a flat stomach and perfect breasts and everything else that I don’t have. I want to feel okay. And I’m sorry that I don’t.