I feel so awful.

Every day I wake up sad. I feel disgusting. I’ve come back to this terrible dark place that I never wanted to be in, and even though I’m working harder than I ever did when I originally lost weight,

I’m seeing no progress in my body or my mind. Every time I look at clothes from last summer I want to be sick, Most of them don’t fit. I don’t know what is happening to me and why I can’t just get back to where I was. My sister is talking about how she is losing weight and now she is back to being smaller than me, and instead of making me happy, it just makes me feel disgusting and like a failure. Other people’s success shouldn’t make me feel bad, what the hell? 

I made the terrible awful decision to try on my swim suit from last year. The one I raved about not looking good in, the one I went on the HCG diet to fit in to.

This time last year I was doing the HCG diet, I was angry, I was eating 500 calories a day, I was unhappy, but I was 145 pounds. I was seeing SOME good. I see no good now. I see failure. And if I don’t get in under control I’ll be back to where I was when I first started.  

It’s been too long since I’ve been 273 pounds for me to see the comparison and how THIS is better. I feel so awful knowing how far I got and how great I looked and how little I appreciated it. At least last year I could brave wearing a swim suit, I don’t even want to put shorts and a tank top on now. There are some days when I don’t even want to leave my house. 

I don’t know what happened. I don’t want to be like this, and I just want to get back to losing weight consistently. How do I get there?

(Sorry if this is weird) I wish I could find girls in porn that look like me.

Redheads, with a not flat stomach, thicker thighs/butt, and small boobs. 

Where are you??? 

Thoughts.

I have this horrible fear that won’t go away. 


That people look at me and think, ‘wow, you’ve lost 130+ pounds….how do you still look bad?’

because I didn’t lose weight and become pretty. because I didn’t lose weight and get the body that everyone expects they’ll get when they lose weight. because I didn’t work hard enough. because I DON’T work hard enough. 

I still look at girls everyday and wonder why in the world my boyfriend settled for me when he could do SO MUCH better. When I know he really WANTS so much better.

I’m not proud of me, and I wonder all the time why anyone else would be. Especially now that the changes have halted. Now that I seem to be stuck with no chance of going any further.

I hate this. I don’t want to be negative. I WANT to be happy and proud and make people see that I AM beautiful no matter what size, no matter what shape, and that I don’t have to look like anyone else to be beautiful, but I don’t believe it myself. And I don’t know when I stopped believing that. I don’t know when I started thinking that I wouldn’t be beautiful until I had a flat stomach and perfect breasts and everything else that I don’t have. I want to feel okay. And I’m sorry that I don’t. 

I just want this week to be over so badly.

I need stuff to occupy my time so that it doesn’t seem like it’s going by so slowly because when I’m alone I’m just sad and feel useless and get really down on myself. 

And then I just want to text my boyfriend who I know already thinks I’m a psycho because he’s the only one I go to with my crazy thoughts of inadequacy and no guy wants to hear about a girl who isn’t confident but I feel like I’ve already ruined that. 

I used to be so good at being happy. Faking it even though I didn’t feel it. And people liked me.

I don’t know what the fuck happened to me. I’m not the person people feel like they can come to anymore, anytime, with anything. I feel like I put people off a lot.

I don’t know if it’s the drugs, or the shitty things I’ve done, or the shitty people I knew, or what.

I ruined myself over the last few years and I feel so low sometimes about not being good enough that I don’t know where to direct the sadness.