I feel so awful.
Every day I wake up sad. I feel disgusting. I’ve come back to this terrible dark place that I never wanted to be in, and even though I’m working harder than I ever did when I originally lost weight,
I’m seeing no progress in my body or my mind. Every time I look at clothes from last summer I want to be sick, Most of them don’t fit. I don’t know what is happening to me and why I can’t just get back to where I was. My sister is talking about how she is losing weight and now she is back to being smaller than me, and instead of making me happy, it just makes me feel disgusting and like a failure. Other people’s success shouldn’t make me feel bad, what the hell?
I made the terrible awful decision to try on my swim suit from last year. The one I raved about not looking good in, the one I went on the HCG diet to fit in to.
This time last year I was doing the HCG diet, I was angry, I was eating 500 calories a day, I was unhappy, but I was 145 pounds. I was seeing SOME good. I see no good now. I see failure. And if I don’t get in under control I’ll be back to where I was when I first started.
It’s been too long since I’ve been 273 pounds for me to see the comparison and how THIS is better. I feel so awful knowing how far I got and how great I looked and how little I appreciated it. At least last year I could brave wearing a swim suit, I don’t even want to put shorts and a tank top on now. There are some days when I don’t even want to leave my house.
I don’t know what happened. I don’t want to be like this, and I just want to get back to losing weight consistently. How do I get there?